Chaos, Dreams, and a Journey!

I look at my little girls, the two of them, so happy and full of life and I wonder if they have any idea of the chaos that is going on with their parents. I try with all of my power to hide it from them, to put a smile on whenever their dad is annoying me. I don't want them to see us like that, I want them to remember everything being good. Is that bad of me? I don't think so. I want their lives to be full of nothing but happiness and although I know I can't keep everything bad from them, this is something I can try to keep from them right?

Anyways, so today I was taking pictures of Paetyn, just a cute little photoshoot and I looked at Laykin and she kept telling me, "Mommy, Owie is a Princess!" It was so adorable! She stood by me the whole time, telling Paetyn how pretty she was and asking her to smile. Then she brought out her "baby pony" and was trying to feed it with a spoon. I love just watching these two play and smile and just be little ones. I love them both so very much! I wouldn't have it any other way. I am determined to make life great for them. Even if I am a Single Mommy! I have dreams all the time about when they are a bit older. One that is my favorite... is the most simplest of things. I see Laykin.. she's about 4... and Paetyn is about 2 1/2. I am standing at their bedroom door *they are sharing a room* they both have big girl beds, and they are laying in them all tucked in, smiling at me. Beautiful little faces so innocent and happy. Laykin says, "Good-Night Mommy! I love you!" and I whisper "Love you too baby girl!" and she curls up under her blankets with it over her head and her teddy like she does every night and then I look at Paetyn's bed and she smiles that adorable smile, holding a little pink puppy dog, and says"ove ew!" Which I know means, "Love you!" and I say it back. I feel my heart melting as I shut the door and watch them go off into dreamland. It's something I do every night. Tucking them in, but it's one of my favorite parts of the day and that dream... I just can't wait for that. I have dreams like that all the time. Ones where we are at the Lake this summer and the girls are playing in the sand together. We are at the park, both girls swinging. They are just amazing dreams!

On another note... I am starting my "Journey" as I want to call it tomorow! I want to try and loose this baby weight. I never even attempted to loose it after Laykin and I'm super misrible with myself now. I got my haircut a couple of days ago and I feel pretty from neck up... now it's time to change the rest of me to feel pretty! I can't wait to feel good about myself again. I hate going out as I am now, I hate being around my friends, I don't like myself at all. I am ready to be happy again! I'm happy with my girls, being with my girls, but when I think about myself. I just get depressed and I am very sick and tired of that! I'm ready for change!! Let it begin!!